It’s So My Mom.

“I need to talk to you, so carve out some time.”

Those were the words that my mom greeted me with back home in Texas last Wednesday morning (my excuse for not blogging the past week).

I knew exactly what she wanted to talk about. I had never expected to hear these words from my mom after I was grown, out of the house, and on my own payroll. But then I had to go and start a damn blog about us.

The tension wouldn’t stop us from shopping. Hours later, we were standing in line at Nordstrom’s Bistro. I was trying to figure out how to broach the subject; she was unnaturally terse.

We ordered. We sat. And then I asked what she wanted to talk to me about.

She started slowly but dismissively, mentioning that she didn’t appreciate the blog. How she thought I was ridiculing her. How she had initially been struck with the thought that I harbored hate for her. How she’s not a public person, and I shouldn’t make her a public person, even if I’m quasi-public.

I assumed she was angered mostly by the very personal family info I put in the “Ice Queen” post. So I started to defend the disclosure of those specific family matters as the lens through which I view my own relationship. Her reaction to the info disclosed made it obvious: She hadn’t read the post. Oops.

None of the blog was meant to be mean-spirited, I told her, maybe a bit too defensively. I wasn’t ridiculing her but trying to recreate her persona. “A caricature,” she retorted. She referenced the “Citgo” and “Palin” posts, which I thought were harmless. She said I was making fun of her. She says I misquoted her about the white hair/kinky hair quote.

At one point I called her selfish. Oops.

Our poor waiter was approaching the table like a stray cat slinks toward a human with food. He skulked to and from our table, and apologized profusely whenever he interrupted our conversations with drinks or food.

In fact, I think the whole restaurant was staring at us.

When it was over, we hadn’t come to an agreement. We had come to a stalemate: my mother looking off with red eyes, me contemplating leaving the bistro. Maybe it would be for the better, I thought.

And then we ate some chocolate cake in silence. And then my dad called. And then there was a little more non-blog conversation. And then we left, went to the bathroom, ran into some old friends, and continued shopping, like nothing had happened.

Just in case my boyfriend wonders how I can go from bawling and chewing him out to professing my love.

So my mom is upset about the Ice Queen post too, my dad informed me.

Not that I should feel embarrassed that she see the site. I thought that if she did, she’d see the post “I Really Do Love My Mommy,” where I spell out the universal, innate fear of morphing into the woman who raised you. But I thought I expressed my unending love and admiration for her selflessness in that post, first and foremost.

Maybe it’s the fear of getting older, more responsibility, or the inevitable hard knocks along the way. Bottom line is, many women are scared of becoming their moms.

Mine probably didn’t scroll far down enough to see that post. She saw the site on the off-chance that my dad was on (who knew he read it?), saw the “Ice Queen” entry, and apparently got upset. Hurt, probably. ☹

This is troubling for many obvious reasons. But I can’t help but think how much of a dampener it’s gonna put on our holiday shopping bonding sessions next week when I arrive in San Antonio (my hometown).

For I can’t really talk to her about the site concept without her dismissing it as just another shot at her for being a “bad mother.” Even though that’s not at all what this is about.

I’ve never been able to speak to my mom as woman. As a daughter, yes. A shopping partner, definitely. But as an equal? As an adult who has experienced a few things of her own? No.

I’m sure we’ll still go shopping. I just have to go through the painful process of trying to broach this subject with her, and making lightening strike by getting a computer in front of her again, at least long enough to show her the nice posts.