It’s So My Mom.

So I kinda hate that @shitmydadsays guy. Cause now he’s got some t.v. show out of being a grown-ass man that lives at home and tweets the shit his dad says. But moreover, I’m  pretty sure my mom has been saying crazier, funnier shit for longer.

I’m not sure if i’ve ever divulged my mom’s infamous “you made that bed like my hairy ass” quote, but if I didn’t, it speaks for itself.

More recently, mom’s had some real gem outbursts. Like the night last Christmas season when she came home stressed and flustered, having been at the grocery store with my dad. She came upon my smart-talking brother blithely eating Mcdonald’s at the table and lost it.

GET OUT THERE AND BRING IN THE GROCERIES THAT ARE GONNA FEED YOUR FAT ASS ON CHRISTMAS DAY!

But Santa came last week as well. My brother called me while I was in New York, getting ready for a fancy dinner for one. Only an anecdote like this could have kept me on the phone: this time, Jimmy said, mom had come across some poop debris behind the toilet, and started the inquisition with my little bro (dad was inevitably next).

“DO YOU GUYS STAND ON THE TOILET?”

My brother, perplexed, responded that no, of course not, they didn’t stand on the
toilet.

“I MEAN DO YOU STAND ON THE TOILET, AND THEN TAKE A SHIT?”

Try as you might, you just can’t outsmart evolution. You know, that thing that dictates how people came about, and continue to grow? Call it fate, for our sort of shorter-winded purposes here.

You see it all around you — even in this episode of Gordon Ramsay’s “Kitchen Nightmares.” The coevolution of old age and marriage have made a distinct set of behaviors practically inevitable, which I have witnessed from my own matriarchs, and which I fully expect to realize at the end of my own rope.

…And which, most importantly for our post, are demonstrated in the relationship between old-time couple Adele and Bill (below): Woman grows into a crabby ol’ prune from years of thankless service, directing her resentment toward her old man because, well, he’s closest, and the people who inevitably feel sorry for the ol’ happy-go-lucky-bastard don’t know all the shit he pulled when he was younger. Behold: Destiny. *

And what does Poor Bill have to say?

*Special thanks to my beloved, long-suffering Bigchap for his brilliant editing of those copyrighted clips. There’s nothing that engineer with an actual personality can’t do.