It’s So My Mom.

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… Partially because they’re not my mom (even though they may be turning into their own). When my girlfriends forwarded me this cheesy story by Cosmopolitan on “Love Lessons from Sex and the City,” I started to think how I could exploit it for my blog. Easy: If Candace Bushnell got her Cosmo-sanctioned say about how to find the modern “happily ever after” via SATC scripted relationships, I can relay the dissimilar voice of Mom.

Cosmo says this about the case study of Miranda and Steve: “Miranda could have deleted his number from her BlackBerry [isn’t this a picturesque detail? 'Who needs a man when you practically are one? Go Girl!' Blech.] but ultimately, his laid-back personality and devotion won her over. …Lesson #1: Date against your type.”

What would my mom say about Steve if he were my boyfriend?

“He’s a BARTENDER?”

“Wasn’t dad a bartender after college?”

“Your FATHER only married me because I was [open open air quotes] ‘gainfully employed’ [close open air quotes].”

(This is how I escape the rest of the conversation.)

Cosmo says Charlotte and Trey’s case study ultimately recommends to “never ignore the signs that tell you a relationship isn’t working.” But if I complained to my mother that my handsome doctor husband had penis problems? Forget it. I’d never talk to my mom about a penis. As far as we’re both concerned, my father doesn’t have one.

Whose reasoning do I side with? I will tell you this: The Cosmo write-up levied unfavorable judgment against Carrie’s relationship with Aidan, saying “she attempted to change by quitting smoking (and nixing her addiction to Mr. Big).” “Never change for a man,” rationalizes Cosmothink.

Right. Because quitting smoking is a horrible thing to do. And I don’t think you can classify sleeping with your ex as “nixing” your addiction to them.

Honestly … grown-ups work at things. I think my mom might halfway agree.