Some UK scientists have finally embarked upon an effort to chronicle what I already knew. That is, the male as a species is disappearing. The limey profs are looking at what they call “environmental” causes for lowering male fertility rates, birth defects in males, and etc. Their hypothesis is that pollution is causing these phenomena.

It could be. I remember when my first daughter was born while I was serving as a badass pilot on a B-52, sitting alert atop two B-53, 9.3-megaton hydrogen bombs in its bomb bay for one week out of every month. When my crew learned my wife was preggers, they didn’t even ask what the sex of the child was. The wife and I didn’t ask either; we wanted it to be a surprise. But my crew knew something I didn’t. Down at the commissary at K.I. Sawyer AFB (a commissary is the base grocery store), the staff there was fighting a shortage of girls’ diapers. They had plenty of boys’ Pampers.

After confirming the diaper conspiracy, for fun, someone brought a homemade Geiger counter to the alert pad. It went wild.

Nine months later, my wife hatched a baby girl.

I worry about Lennifer at times. You see, 50 years of Cold Warmongering has exposed the most brave and manly of men of this nation (like me) to radiation, reduced their sperm count, and the result is an overabundance of females. There may be more female than male offspring of brave, manly men (like me), causing a supply and demand problem for good-looking eligible ladies like herself who is looking for a brave, manly mate (like me).

Next week, we examine homosexuality.